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Confessions of a recovering perfectionist

Mon, 21 May 2012 17:26:39 +0100

I have been contemplating writing this post for about two weeks now, but I haven't been able to get the thoughts out...figured I'd just go ahead and start rambling and hope that something makes sense.

After my Moody May post, I had several people chide me for being too hard on myself, trying to be perfect (or a perfect mom), and denying myself the privilege of down-time. Honestly, I was a little bit shocked, and, if I'm honest, very miffed. I felt like, if anything, my post was transparent of my own faults... That I was struggling with the logistics of getting "me-time," not purposely denying myself. I feel frustrated when people think I'm trying to be some super-mom or perfect wife when in reality I'm just trying to do MY best...not keep up with other people. Just do what I can to make it through each day in a way that makes me feel both successful and happy.

My blog is only 4 years old. People can see the changes that I've made in those 4 years, but they cannot see the vastness in the changes that I've made prior to those 4 years. They cannot know the things I've gone through and the hardships I've endured during my high school and college years. They cannot know that the person I am now, my personality, and the standards I "inflict" upon myself barely resemble what existed in my growing up and college years. If you think I try too hard now...um, wow...you don't even want to know what I looked like then.

"Perfectionism" in general, is something that I have lived and breathed my entire life. It comes from both nature and nurture. My nature has been one of precision, order and organization, attention to detail, and strong memorization and analysis skills. I get this from my father, who is a mathematician. My mother is also very attentive to detail and has strong organizational skills. They raised me, together, in such a way that I could always rest in their unconditional love, regardless of my performance. But, they also saw my potential and cultivated it and encouraged it the best that they knew how. By nature I did well in school and music.

I had a very defining moment at the end of my third grade year. Even though I had always had straight As and won spelling competitions, I still hadn't realized my own potential. But my teacher got up and started talking about an award: the student with the highest grade point average of the entire year. My mind naturally started guessing who it would be...obviously Stephanie or Jonathan! They always were the smartest at everything and the fastest at "Around the World." But when she called my name I was shocked. It was then that I realized... "WOW! I'm SMART!!!"

It was then that my competitive nature kicked in. When most people think of a "competitive" person they think sports. But, as I can't even kick a ball to save my life, my competitive nature showed itself in academics and music. I hated being beat on anything, from a grade on a history test to a state-wide spelling bee or piano competition. I pushed myself to have the highest grades and do the best I could. My favorite time of year was the preparation and culmination of the "Christian Schools of Ohio" (CSO) competition in academics and music. And I was almost always successful. I maintained honor roll grades and won many awards during my elementary and junior high years.

My competitive nature and desire for perfection really alienated me from my peers. Pre-teens don't much care for the "teacher's pet" or the "smarty pants." And, because I tried to maintain "Godly" behavior and a modest appearance, you can throw "goody goody" in there as well. By the time I finished 8th grade I had no friends. I was smart, but had no sense of style (which when you are in junior high is pretty much all that girls care about.) My house had no TV and we listened to classical or Christian music, so I had no idea about pop culture at all. I loved the academics of school, but hated being around my school mates and would come home from school each day pretty much miserable. I didn't understand what was so horrible about trying to get good grades and live for God.

At the end of my 9th grade year, my parents decided to homeschool me and my younger brother for various reasons. I was ecstatic. Yes, I would miss out on some of the competition-aspects of traditional schooling (and had to let go of my goal of being class valedictorian), but I could throw myself into academics without having to deal with the drama of high-school.

At the same time, we started attending a church that we loved, yet was steeped strongly in legalism. During my high school years, I strove for perfection in my "spiritual life." Spending as much as two hours a day in Bible study, prayer, and Scripture memory. Let me clarify all of this by saying this was NOT something that my parents required. I felt like it was something that God required...in reality it was what I was requiring of myself. Our church had strong stances against "wordly" entertainment and dating relationships; and pushed modesty, submission, and Biblical Patriarchy. Every time I went to church the "bar was raised" a bit higher, and I gladly pushed to reach it.

I thank God that my love of learning pushed me to continue education beyond high school. While "daughters leaving the home" to attend college was strongly discouraged at our church, I pushed beyond their expectations and went anyway. Simultaneously, my family moved to another state due to my father's job.

College changed my life. It was there that I realized that it doesn't matter how much you try to follow the rules, what your heart truly feels, or how hard you work...there will ALWAYS be people who think you don't belong, think you aren't good enough or "Godly" enough. I went to three colleges in two years, each place striving to fit in, be "good enough," and work "hard enough" to succeed... each place finding nothing but disappointment. I had my heart broken in far more ways than one.

I cannot thank God enough for my husband. Choosing to marry him was by far the scariest and riskiest thing I had ever done. He was far from the perfect preacher-boy of a husband that I had envisioned marrying... He didn't measure up to the list of qualifications that I had made to "protect my heart" from marrying the wrong person. But I loved him. And I knew that, no matter how people judged or warned me, he was the only person that I wanted to be with.

I left college because, logistically, I didn't want to be stuck mid-semester being unable to marry the man I loved before he was about to deploy. It was the best decision I ever made. Since then, I have been on a long journey of self-discovery. I constantly ask myself questions like "Why do I do this? Why do I feel like I HAVE to act this way? Why am I wearing this outfit instead of this one?" The voices of teachers, professors, and pastors began to fade away and I began to listen to my own heart. I began to relax... to stop working so hard. Stop trying to be perfect.

I learned a long time ago that trying to be perfect only results in heartbreak. And I stopped trying...at least I think I have.

Now I just try to live my life to enjoy it, to do my best with what God has given me. To RECEIVE love from God, from my family, and from my friends based on who I am, not what I can do or accomplish. This does not come easily for me. It's not natural. It's hard to stop 18 years of psychological games that declare that you have to work harder or be better.

Being a new wife, having a child, and going through two combat deployments during this time of "recovery" from perfectionism has not been easy. Because they are new challenges...and with every new challenge comes the old temptation to "be the best" even though I know the only person requiring that of myself IS myself.

I write this to let my readers know this: I am painfully aware of the fact that I am "too hard on myself," and it is something that I constantly fight and guard against. I continually look for ways to relax and let my hair down. I cut things out of my life that foster a competitive spirit or make me feel like I have to measure myself against a standard. (Which is why everything I went through with my facebook break was so highly intense and personal.) Looking back to the young woman I was in my teenage and college years almost makes my own heart break for myself... I barely recognize her. I want to go to her, shake her, and say "Just stop!!! You'll never be good enough for them...just do what makes you happy...stop feeling so guilty!! You have a beautiful life ahead of you...you don't have to try so hard."

I write this to say... if you only knew how far I've come! I'm sorry if I present an image that oozes of "trying to be perfect" because I gave up on that a long time ago.

I read this post this morning on "Competitive Mothering" that addresses this problem as it relates to motherhood. I loved the ending of her post:

"Is there a solution? Is there a way out? Of course there is. Instead of boasting in your strengths as a mother, or wanting to be able to boast in your strengths as a mother, why not boast in your weakness? Only when you accept your weakness, your insufficiency, will that competition and guilt begin to melt away."

This is probably going to be a topic that I will be writing more about over the next few months (considering a blog-series). Perfectionism is a weakness, one of my greatest weaknesses. I believe that. But, perfectionism is also one of my greatest strengths. I'm learning how to capitalize on the "strengths" I gain from this part of my nature while fighting the negative things that it brings to my life. I want to accept this weakness, to "boast" in it, if you will... because I know that it is a part of who I am and who God has made me to be. This is why I wrote this post.

20 months!

Sun, 20 May 2012 14:21:17 +0100

Ezra is now 20 months!!! Can't believe it. Most days he's all "little boy" and no more baby!!! Just a few words about these photos:

Ezra had had an incredibly long day that went something like this... Out for breakfast with Mommy and Daddy, tagging along to Walmart for Mommy's money order, park #1 to see duckies for five minutes because Mommy needed to kill some time, playtime with my friends at La Leche League meeting, car-ride up to post to have lunch with Daddy at park #2 where I got super-hot, cool-down time at the pool which I hated because the water was too cold, cuddle time with mommy by the side of the pool to calm down, on to park #3 so Mommy could take a bazillion pictures of me when I'm in desperate need of a nap.

So, Ezra doesn't look like his normal cheery self. It was bright and hot and I was experimenting with lighting and shadows and such...it's really hard to shoot good photos in full sun! But I loved the challenge and got some great photos!

Ezra loves bananas!!!

(self-timer experiment)

Ezra really enjoyed trying to catch this butterfly!

^^I didn't pose him this way.^^
He fell down and took a while getting up because he was so tired.
Ran in front of him and started snapping. His reaction: REALLY Mom?!?! Can't a kid get a break?

(Experimenting with focus)

Before....

After...
(couldn't resist a photo of the wet bum)

^^^ These are some of my favorites!!! vvv

Ezra enjoyed throwing rocks into the stream:

and HIKING up the trail!!!

Ezra loves giving mommy kissies!!!

MARBLES!!!

Sat, 19 May 2012 02:06:42 +0100

We found a new fun activity for Ezra. The pictures pretty much say it all!

(action shot!)

This was his reaction the first time a marble rolled under the fridge!
Then he started rolling them under the fridge on purpose!

(now he's just being cute on purpose)

Mother's Day Weekend 2012

Fri, 18 May 2012 12:18:29 +0100

I had a very nice weekend for Mother's Day. On Thursday night Russ admitted that he had no plans or no ideas what to do...I was rather upset at first, but I knew that he would probably come up with something, even if it was at the last minute. The next morning he told me, "I'm going to buy you flowers!" Okay...it made me smile, even though he "ruined" the surprise.

Friday was a good day. Ezra and I went to Walmart (a much better shopping experience than the one I had last week!) and I got some new clothes and my "Mother's Day present" - a laminator! I came home and laminated the rest of Ezra's flashcards. I also got some more cheap craft items for mommy and toddler playtime. I came home and worked on painting some wooden toy cars for Ezra while he played outside with his bike.

Russ came home and Ezra ran to greet him. Then he came back to me like this:

I don't think that I could have planned a sweeter moment to receive flower from my husband AND my son! My husband had also brought home chocolate dip and fresh strawberries, which were so incredibly YUMMY! Ezra thought so too!

Between the two of us, Ezra and I ate the whole carton in about 15 minutes!!!!

Saturday was relaxing yet productive. We stayed in almost all day watching Top Shot while I worked on folding 40 thousand loads of laundry. (We took a break mid-day so I could go to the gym while Russ and Ezra ran a few errands. The nice part was that I got home before they did, which meant I could shower and eat lunch in peace!)

Sunday was interesting...

We woke up a bit late and Russ wanted to just stay in bed and snuggle, since Ezra was still asleep. We decided to skip Sunday School... But then when we got up, Russ said to me... "What if...what if we went somewhere and did something fun as a family today?"

Well, I was game. The past few weeks...months have been stressful for our family, reintegrating from deployment. It's still difficult at times to feel like a family and the stress of normal life has been keeping us all on edge. So we just decided to get in the car and go. We thought about a zoo or park, but it was cold and rainy, so we chose rather to drive to Nashville to the Gaylord Hotel. This is where things got interesting.

We grabbed breakfast at McDonalds, and Ezra fell asleep shortly thereafter.

We took a few wrong turns going out of our town because I wasn't paying attention and Russ depends on me for directions...this took us about 15-20 minutes out of the way because we couldn't find a place to turn around. FINALLY back on the highway going south...Russ and I had fun goofing off in the car together.

(Russ being annoying and getting his hand in the picture)

(me being exasperated with him)

Okay, now let's take a nice cute car couple-photo...

Whoops, had the camera zoomed in all the way instead of out all the way...

Now there! That's better!!!

About 10-15 miles down the highway and then we hit this:

This was nightmare #1. The highway going south was totally closed. We had to exit off onto a parallel back country road for a 20 mile detour! Fun fun... But we were determined we weren't going to let this get us down. We were going to Nashville and we were going to have FUN!!!!! I tried not to look at the clock.

We got back on the highway and started cruising...for all of about 5 minutes. Then we hit MORE traffic. This time, it was traffic backed up because there was a bad accident involving three semi-trucks on the OTHER side of the highway.

As we passed the accident, we saw that there were cars, trucks, and even an RV trying to TURN AROUND mid-highway and go back the opposite direction on the same side of the highway because of the blockage. It was pure insanity:

By this point, we knew we were in for one crazy day, as we would have to come back that direction. I was already scouting the map for an alternate way back.

We got to Nashville (after about three+ hours travel time), and had a very enjoyable time in spite of our frustration over the traffic...the Gaylord Hotel is amazing because it has a riverwalk and waterfalls IN the atrium of the hotel, along with shops and restaurants. The only bad thing is that I had forgotten how warm and humid it was! Within about five minutes I felt like I was going to pass out in my cute (sophisticated mother) sweater and blue-jeans and nicely-curled (not-in-a-mom-pony-tail) hair! As quickly as I could I went into one of the gift shops and bought a tshirt, men's shorts, and pony-tail holders! Finally we started to have fun!

(These photos speak for themselves...MEN!)

(Ezra having fun in a toy store)

Ezra's favorite part about the trip was the escalator. He LOVES to ride the escalator, and is brave enough even to ride it by himself! This kept him occupied for quite a while...up and down, up and down.

Look, I'm moving!!!!!

^^^one of my favorite-est photos ever!!^^^

I had fun taking nice photos of the nature in the hotel:

I fell in love with this gazebo and had Russ snap some pictures of Ezra and I dancing:

and looking at flowers...

More pretty pictures...

After we were done at the Gaylord, we walked across the walkway to the Opry Mills Mall to get some lunch and hang out, pausing to look at some geese!

By the time we got to the mall Ezra and I were tired, hungry, and cranky...but Ezra did have fun riding a skateboard for the first time. We got Chinese food for lunch and headed back home.

There were two different alternate routes home...I picked the one that was less out-of-the-way. I made the wrong choice. The detour route was so full of traffic from the highway that we sat completely stopped for near an hour, and we witnessed ANOTHER semi-truck accident! We finally ended up taking "barely" 2-lane roads to go to the alternate-alternate route to make our way home. Ezra fussed and cried off and on most of the way home as it was nearing bedtime and he was hungry. We got home around 7PM and were all exhausted. I was SO grateful that I had put chili in the crockpot that morning so we had dinner to eat.

Was it worth it? Time spent with my family always is. I do wish the day had gone better, but it sure made for a great story!

Monday was awesome. I had scheduled ALL-DAY childcare at the CDC for Ezra. Dropped him off at 9:30, went off to the hospital for a doctors appointment and allergy shots, got a massage at the gym, went home, ate lunch, watched a little Say Yes to the Dress, took a nice long nap, and then got some housework done. Russ picked up Ezra and brought him home for me so I got almost the entire day to myself which was exactly what I needed!!!

All in all, despite all the frustrations, it was a good weekend and I felt blessed to be able to spend it with the ones I love

Reintegration - Guest Posts at Singing Through the Rain

Wed, 16 May 2012 00:18:13 +0100

I recently had the opportunity to do some guest-blogging over at Singing Through the Rain, the blog of a dear friend of mine who is an Airforce spouse. Her husband was getting ready to return from a six-month overseas deployment and she was asking about what to expect - both what she could expect personally, and what people reading her blog who aren't associated with the military could expect her to experience.

I've written two posts, one for civilians, and one for the military family. I hope that you will take a chance to read them!

Military reunions are well-known as very exciting and happy experiences, but what a lot of people don’t realize is that homecoming and reintegration are very difficult times as well. For a military family, the weeks before their reunion is an anxiety-filled wait, and the weeks and months after their reunion are filled with many challenges...read more here:
http://www.singingthroughtherain.net/2012/04/dear-civilians-what-you-need-to-know-about-military-homecomings-and-reintegration.html

A military family that has gone through a deployment is much like a puzzle that has been wrecked and the pieces scrambled. After the deployment, the family has to put their puzzle back together. Here are some tips to help you through this process... read more here:
http://www.singingthroughtherain.net/2012/04/the-reintegration-puzzle-putting-the-pieces-back-together.html

Wonderful Childhood (Video Blog)

Sat, 12 May 2012 03:51:03 +0100

I took these video clips a few weeks ago. Ezra chattering away, playing with the hose, counting to five, and jumping off of the steps! I finally had a chance tonight to sit down and put them together in a montage format. I hope you enjoy watching it!

DIY Leftover Magazine Vocabulary Flashcards

Wed, 09 May 2012 19:28:32 +0100

When I was pregnant with Ezra, I somehow received free subscriptions to American Baby, Parenting, and Babytalk Magazines. I read through them and considered throwing them away, but for some odd reason I stuck them in a bag on the top of the front closet. I pulled them out last year to find cute phrases and sayings for magazine-text letters that I sent to Russ in Afghanistan (that in itself should be it's own blog post).

Anyway, I got a genius idea this morning. At least I think it's genius (it has yet to be toddler-tested), and I *think* that it's mine. I spend a lot of time browsing crafty parenting/activity blogs so I may have seen something like this (or something similar) somewhere, but as of right now I can't recall.

Ezra's vocabulary has surpassed 130 words, at which point I have stopped counting... We were in the doctors office yesterday and there was a book that had photographs of different household items. Ezra has not as of yet expressed a lot of interest in reading books, but this book he really enjoyed because he could name some of the items in the photos. "What's this Ezra?" "Foofbahhh..." "That's right!!! It's a foot ball!" It was very fun for both of us and helped pass time and keep him still when the doctors were doing their different torture routines.

So, back to my idea. I started browsing through the magazines and cutting out pictures of household items, shapes, letters, and numbers. Some that he knows, some that he doesn't. Then I taped them to 3x5 cards and laminated them with contact paper (which I believe is destined to be my mortal enemy.) The project took a little while but I have quite a pile of flashcards for him now... I still have a good 15 more magazines to look through! I'm very excited to try them out with Ezra when he wakes up from his nap!

Moody May...BLAH!

Sun, 06 May 2012 01:04:44 +0100

So I'm not off to a good start this month. My mom asked me at the end of April what my theme for May was. Um...do I have to have one? (Obviously that wasn't what she was saying...but it was my first thought.)

unMotivated May

Mom's-Gone-Mad May

Today I vote for Moody May. I've called my mom three separate times this week...all three times in tears. I had a breakdown today in the middle of the mall...well more specifically "Motherhood Maternity" as I was shopping for (ahem) "nursing attire" because after the last 20 months mine is rather ratty. Nothing was fitting right and when the kind sales lady asked me if I had made a decision on the items I burst into tears. A very sweet lady named Denise came over and gave me a huge hug, saying "It's going to be okay...God is on your side." It meant a lot to me, but I felt embarrassed, especially when afterward I realized that they both were probably thinking, "oh that poor girl and her pregnancy hormones!" No...THAT would actually make sense.

I guess I'm just in a funk. I'm stressed about life in general. Stressed about the uncertainty of the future. Overwhelmed with the daily responsibilities of the household, taking care of my husband and toddler boy. I dread getting up in the morning and count down the hours til Ezra's bedtime when I can watch TV with my husband. I'm pretty much exhausted. My house is a disaster zone. Cleaning it is like shoveling during a blizzard. And for the life of me I'm wracking my brain wondering what SANE PERSON had the idea to invite friends over for brunch on Monday. Oh wait, that was me.

I'm having to schedule allergy shots twice a week, which requires childcare, which has turned into a nightmare as my CYSS registration is expiring in less than two weeks (thanks for the 15 day heads-up people), which leaves me scrambling to fill out another 20 pages of paperwork and calling doctors and nurses for medical forms, shot records, and now a "diet form" about Ezra's egg allergy. My husband and I were supposed to go on a date to the movie theater today and they turned us away and told me they couldn't care for him until I got my paperwork-ducks in a row.

My body isn't reacting well to the shots which means I have to see the allergist again. The shots leave me itchy and blotchy and I swear they make me irritable, emotional, and hormonal even though the nurses say they shouldn't.

I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise, but even trying to make it to the gym seems like a scheduling hassle. I find myself stress-eating, not having time for proper meals and grabbing snickers bars at the checkout counter because I'm hungry, cheating on my allergens, and all of this makes me feel like crap (literally, and emotionally) and guilty. I'm running around like crazy and just daggone tired. I know I need to take care of myself, get a break, etc, but it seems like every time I try something comes up, or someone needs something, or the baby gets sick, or the CDC becomes idiotic. And the few times I actually DO get a break, I come back to "life" and it seems like even more of a disaster zone than I remembered.

Ezra has been watching wayyyy too much TV and eating way too much spaghettios and crackers. I think he went 3-4 days this week without eating vegetables. Oh yeah, and have I mentioned that he's anemic and has been on iron supplements and I have to take him back to the doctor this week to get MORE blood drawn to recheck his iron levels? Way to go supermom...

I can't tell you how many times I've snapped at Russ, yelled at him, and picked stupid fights with him. I really don't know how he puts up with me sometimes.

Mothers Day is next Sunday. And the only thing I want is to stay home from church, all day, in my pjays, maybe do a little bit of cleaning (that doesn't involved being tackled onto the floor by a toddler yelling "I GEE YOU!!!"), sleep a bunch, and watch a chick flick! But of course that wouldn't be right would it? Cuz all Godly mothers need to go to church on Mothers Day.

I'm venting. I know I have a stinky attitude. But I'm still putting this out there because I want the world to know that I have bad days, bad weeks, bad months too.

Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon and the rest of May will be a little bit better.

Facebook - the flip side: on relationships, community, and who I am

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:21:29 +0100

This post is a continuation of my inner thoughts and turmoil about my decision to stay off of Facebook or get back on May 1st...if you have not read my previous posts, PLEASE read them here, as they are paramount for understanding the entire picture of what's been going on:
http://www.beautifulinhistime.com/blog/deactivate-activate
http://www.beautifulinhistime.com/blog/doubts-and-reassurances
http://www.beautifulinhistime.com/blog/on-being-a-facebook-postaholic-privacy-and-pleasing-people

After my last post, I felt very overwhelmed. It was so refreshing to get all of my thoughts sorted logically and spit them out on screen, as it provided clarity...but it didn't really seem to provide me any answers or direction. There was still so many problems I saw with either staying off Facebook completely or jumping back on. Honestly, I felt a little bit lost.

And so even though my prayers have been less than purposeful (it's been a rough week) and have been more like random disconnected thoughts and questions tumbling around in my head, I've still been leaning heavily on Him asking for some sense of direction.

I also feel like some people may not realize how weighty of an issue this is for me or may wonder why I'm making such a big deal about this. Even in trying to explain things to my husband (who has never been a regular Facebook user because he "never really saw the point of it") he recognized it was a big deal, but didn't really "get it." For people who have never used Facebook regularly, I can understand how it may seem like I'm making a huge deal about nothing. It's just a website...and you would be right, it is.

But it's not. Facebook is it's own subculture...it's own community. Being a part of that subculture has provided me with a sense of community that I had never before had. It has changed me from being a wallflower who is awkward in social situations and thinks no one likes her into someone who can comfortably interact with almost anyone I meet, whether they are a stranger or not. And for that I am grateful.

The thought of hitting that final "delete account" key is much akin to thoughts I feel about moving away from Fort Knox, or getting out of the Army. It's leaving something familiar where strong relationships have been formed and amazing memories have been made. A place where I've reunited to interact regularly with extended family instead of simply seeing them at funerals and weddings, where I can reach out to encourage friends who are struggling, and where I have a small community to go to when I simply need a friend. So, one of the biggest concerns I have with getting off of Facebook completely is leaving that community and shutting myself off from people, losing relationships with close friends and family members...becoming isolated and lonely.

Shortly after writing my last post, I picked up the book I've been reading You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth and turned to where I had left off... Oh great, just what I need to hear about...the next two chapters are on relationships and how I connect with people!!! *sigh and eye roll*

But, God has used these chapters to provide some further clarity to the very thing that I'm struggling with the most, and even shown me some of the reasons for my frustration that I hadn't even realized yet. I hope that you will bear with me for the rest of this post as I am going to be doing a lot of quoting from the book, and interjecting my own thoughts as they apply to me and the decision I am contemplating.

God promises to always be with us. Yet it seems He also created within us a deep desire to share life with each other...We need others to speak truth to us, remind us we're amazing, walk alongside us, and encourage us in all God has called us to do.

We may tell ourselves, "If only I were closer to God, I wouldn't feel like I needed other people so much." But Adam lived in a perfect place. There was no sin. He had an intimacy with God we can only imagine. Y

et God still said that Adam being alone wasn't good.

So that ache you feel, that longing you can't name? You don't need to feel guilty about it. It's the magnet God places within you that draws you to other people. It's part of his plan. It's good. (Page 73-74)

But even in churches it sometimes feels as if needing other people is a sign of weakness.
If only my relationship with God were stronger, then I wouldn't be so lonely.
If only I could get my act together, then I wouldn't care at all what other people thought.
But wanting other people in your life isn't weakness. Instead it's a reflection that you are created by a God who is inherently relational. Look at the lengths He's gone to just have a relationship with you.
Why was Adam being alone not good? Because it's not like God.
Father.
Son.
Holy Spirit.
The kingdom we serve in is one of love, relationship, and intimacy. We're not made for each other, but we're certainly made to share life with each other. (Page 74-75)

I had never really thought about relationships with other people in this way. I realized that yes, while everything that I mentioned in my previous post (about Facebook drowning out my relationship with God and creating an addiction to pleasing people) definitely remains true and will continue to be something that I very much have to guard against, the flip side is that I still need other people in my life. That's why God created friendship and relationships. And with many of my friends who I am closest to, Facebook is the best way to continue to cultivate those relationships just because of the nature of the society in which we live.

And yet those other questions are still there. I know that IF I stay on Facebook, something has to change as far as how I interact with people, if for none other reason that simple time management. It's just getting impossible to keep up with! And yet if I go picking and choosing to keep connected to some people and boot others off of my friends list, aren't I playing favorites? Won't I hurt people? I know that not everyone will understand why I chose to disconnect from them!

Holley continues to read my mind in her section on "Why We Hold Back" - one of the answers being "We're Afraid We Won't Be Loved." (Page 75)

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18). This verse has come to mind over and over as I've thought about relationships and why they're so hard for women. We strive for perfection, after all. It seems like the ideal insurance policy against rejection, doesn't it? If our house, habits, and heart are just right, who wouldn't love us? And yet all the time we know that we aren't perfect...Round and round it goes until God stops us...and tells us again, "Beautiful daughter of mine, you don't need to be perfect. You are already perfectly loved."
The hard part is translating that into our relationships. Perhaps we can grasp that God loves us, but it seems more uncertain that our friends or family are likely to follow suit. I recently pondered that, and it seemed God whispered to my heart, "There is no fear in love--if you are acting out of insecurity, then you are not living in love." That hit home.
I protested, "But God, I want people to like me. I want people to be happy with me. Isn't that what it means to be loving?" And as I dug deeper into his Word it became clear that, no, being loving doesn't mean pleasing people. We are to love people, but we're only asked to please God. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Gal. 1:10).
We're called to care about others, to be kind and considerate, to try our best to bless them. But, ladies, we don't have to make everyone happy. An if we don't have to make everyone happy, then we don't have to be perfect. God has already declared us good enough, worthy in his sight, valuable, and with much to offer the world. (Page 75-77)

I honestly breathed a big sigh of relief when I read this, as one of the things I have been considering most of all is paring down my "friends list" to be only close friends and family. After having been in 4 schools, 3 colleges, and close to 15 churches in my lifetime, not to mention all of the contacts I have made through military wife forums and groups...that's a LOT of people that I have known in my lifetime, and it just so happens that about 90% of them have Facebook accounts...but remaining "friends" with all of them is simply impractical.

But the truth is I genuinely DO care about the people Facebook might call "acquaintances." Am I emotionally invested in their lives? No, not that much. But I hate to be rude. I've unfriended people in the past and inevitably people get upset and send me messages like "What did I ever do to you?" Or "Have I offended you?" and get really miffed that I have chosen not to be connected with them anymore. And I HATE going through that because then I feel like the bad guy, when in reality all I'm trying to do is manage my time more wisely.

A few pages later Holley addresses the subject of boundaries in relationships:

We don't have to hide in our relationships with others...As we talked about earlier, we're called to love those in our lives, but we don't have to please them...
While God does want us to be open with others, he also encourages us to put boundaries in place as we do so. He talks repeatedly about guarding our hearts...guarding is a proactive choice to protect what matters most...it's okay to limit how we share ourselves... (Page 78)

I'm taking this portion slightly out of the context in which Holley meant it (which was much more about avoiding unsafe relationships), but I felt it was applicable. When I think about what matters most to me, it's my family and my relationship with God. My time with my Father, my husband and my son...and then my immediate family like my parents and siblings. And I have to protect that. And protecting that may mean limiting how much of myself I share with people that I'm not as close to.

Now, for what I feel was the most enlightening section...

..."How do I build relationships?" The answer to that question is as unique as you are. Just as God has given you specific strengths and skills, he's also created you to connect with others in particular ways...
When we think about the biblical command to "love one another," it seems like the way we go about doing so should be one size fits all. But the way God expresses his love through you will look entirely different than the way he does it through someone else. And that's good. (Page 82)

She then goes on to discuss the social settings in which a person most comfortable: One-to-One, One-to-Few, and One-to-Many...a quick read revealed that I'm definitely a one-to-one kind of person:

You prefer situations in which you can focus intently on an individual. You listen carefully and seek to offer your full attention. Your conversations are likely to have depth, and you want to hear what's really going on in the other person's life an heart as well as share the same. While you enjoy people, you probably don't have the desire for an extensive inner circle. That would require spreading yourself to thin. After all, a relationship is a significant, serious investment that requires the best of you.

In a group of people, you may feel overwhelmed or frustrated that you can't give each person the attention that you'd truly like. You also may have little patience for small talk and chatter, seeing them as a distraction from what matters most. You have a strong capacity to make people feel truly valued and heard. (Page 84, emphasis mine)

I've always known that I'm more comfortable one-on-one with people, but the way that she wrote this was so enlightening to me as for how it applies to the whole Facebook situation. The truth is that, as much as it's true that I crave attention, I don't really like having a lot of "friends" because it distracts me from caring for, focusing on, listening to the people who matter the most to me. I feel tired, frustrated... "spread too thin." Especially having been off of Facebook this past month, the few times I've logged in, I've been even MORE frustrated just scrolling through a few things because I keep asking myself "why does all of this stuff matter?" I know, I know, I'm horrible at posting the "small talk and chatter" myself, but when you have an entire community of people doing it, it's distracting from getting to know what's really going on with people. I want to be fully invested in my friend's lives so that they can feel valued and heard, so that I can reach out to them with my entire being. And because I can't do that with everyone, I find all of the other "fluff" distracting and frustrating, but then I feel incredibly guilty that I CAN'T be that way with everyone on my friend's list. And I didn't even quite realize all of this until I read this description. My frustrations make so much more sense now.

She further goes on to discuss structure in relationships and what is most comfortable for people: Leading, Partnering, or Serving. I definitely fall into the "partnering category."

If you're drawn to the partnering structure of relationship, then you view everyone in life as your equal. You want to be side by side or face-to-face. You see connecting with others as an endless process of give-and-take. You care little for power but don't want to be taken advantage of either. You may become agitated by issues of balance and fairness. You have a strong capacity for coming alongside other and encouraging them, sometimes simply by your presence through whatever they face. You believe we're all better together. (Page 86, emphasis mine)

Agitated by issues of balance and fairness...as in "how can I be balance my time online while still being fair to all of my friends and acquaintances?"

She talks about "social sight":

When it comes to life, we all have vision that's stronger in particular areas. Just as our eyes can be nearsighted or farsighted, we see more clearly in certain social situations. In this case, it doesn't need to be corrected--it simply need to be recognized and maximized. When you do so, your way of seeing the world can become a strength.
There are two primary types of sight when it comes to relationships: external and internal.

I definitely have internal "social sight":
If your social sight is internally focused, then you are highly tuned in to the unseen world that exists around you and within those you love. You seem to intuitively understand what others are feeling or thinking, often without them telling you so. You are more likely to live in the realm of the heart...You want to know the passions, desires, and dreams of those you love. You express that you care in ways that are invisible but still deeply meaningful--listening, speaking encouraging words, and silently providing support. (page 87 emphasis mine)

Lastly she talks about the "sphere of needs" that women are usually drawn to: practical, emotional, relationship, and intellectual. This one was a little bit harder to pin down, but if I had to pick just one, it would be emotional:

If you're wired to meet the emotional needs of others, you offer your heart first. You know when someone is hurting or desires to have someone rejoice with them. You give through intangible ways most often-comforting, encouraging, bringing hope. You don't need to see actual physical results from the way you give other than a smile appearing or a tear being wiped away. (Page 89)

So now you may be asking, "okay, why does all of this matter?" and she goes on to answer that question:

We often try to force ourselves to be like others or to simple do whatever we're asked. Then we wonder why we feel ineffective and exhausted. We are the body of Christ--and that means we not only have individual strengths to offer; we also have unique ways of loving others...knowing how we connect lets us serve in the center of the way God made us. (page 90)
Yes, sometimes women use "that's not my strength" as an excuse to get out of a legitimate opportunity for service. But more often than I see them ducking out of what God is asking them to do, I see women taking on roles and responsibilities because they want to please people, they feel obligated, or they simply assume that's the "Christian" thing to do. If that's how you've been feeling, then give yourself permission got serve first in those areas that are in line with who God created you to be and how he designed you to love. He'll rejoice, and we'll all benefit. (Page 91)

If you are still reading...thank you!

The bottom line is this: Staying connected to the day-to-day happenings of 300-500 people (over the course of the past 5 years) through an online website simply because I feel obligated to or don't want to hurt people's feelings is not only an ill use of my time, it's not how God has created me socially. It's emotionally draining and I don't believe it's how God wants me to live my life. It distracts me not just from God, my family, and my home, but it also keeps me from meeting the emotional needs of my family, and others in the way that I desire to most. Facebook is an amazing tool to help me cultivate relationships and encourage people, but I am only one person and to interact with people the way I want to and the way that I feel is most effective, I have to limit the amount of people that I invest myself in.

Therefore, when I return to Facebook May 1st, I'm going to be paring down my friends list significantly. I'm not going to give myself some numerical goal or percentage to reach, but I am going to evaluate each connection individual and try to determine, with God's guidance, who I need to stay connected to at the Facebook level. I hope that everyone who reads this can appreciate the spirit in which I am writing and understands that if you get unfriended, it's not out of meanness or rudeness or a lack of caring for you personally. I just have to do what works best for me, my family, and my relationship with God.

BEANS!

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:56:10 +0100

Ezra and I are venturing out into new waters for playtime. Ezra is extremely intelligent, active, and energetic, and toys have ceased to hold his attention. The other day my mom sent me a link to http://pre-schoolplay.blogspot.com/ which is FULL of exciting sensory and messy playtime ideas to help engage young children. This was JUST the thing I've been searching for to help us on those days we are stuck in the house with nothing to do!

When I saw this post on Beans and Eggs, I was super-excited because I just happened to have a half-opened bag of beans in the cupboard that I probably would never use. I didn't have egg cartons, but I did have a dump truck and a baking pan! I pulled out the supplies and let Ezra "go to town." He loved it and it kept him occupied for a solid half-hour!

The best part was when Ezra made up a new game: Stick a big white bean in the mouth...

Then spit it across the room! (He came up on this one all on his own...boys will be boys!)

I can't wait to try out more of the ideas on this blog!